Monday, February 6, 2012

2008... A Testimony Vignette

I cleaned up my computer and found this old video clip. This is from July of 2008. Only roughly four years ago... so far back, and yet, right on time with where I am mentally. Well, in a way. On that steamy day in Baltimore, I went to Artscape. I wasn't there to walk around and sweat (though I did do that). I performed on the Mainstage with Mia Miata as a member of Alpha Rhythm, a local group. I gave supporting vocals to Mia Miata as she sang originals from her first release Mia Miata's Urban Arias. As it is now 2012, my perspective of what was going on really has shifted (DUH!). My Uncle Jellybean (yes, I call him that) came to see me sing, but I have to say that this is one of my favorite clips. There are others. I uploaded one to YouTube to show off a brief solo. I am grateful that my uncle showed up, let alone recorded anything. I made sure I got him a backstage pass so he could come see and shoot away with his camera. There was also a professional photographer there (which became its OWN chapter of my life -- read on). As we sat in the back room waiting to go on, I remember the photographer took a lot of photos (as did my Uncle). What I remember most was that I had a breath-stealing crush on that photographer. Not only was he attractive to me, he was talented as a photographer, and he knew how to talk without sounding like an idiot. I wanted to get to know him better. In true Tiffany style, I asked him about his prices for photography, and he said he was building his portfolio so maybe we could work something out. I made plans to go over to his studio that weekend. We dated after that photo shoot for about a month, but I practically stalked him for about four because I thought he and I were meant to be. I forgave him for 'breaking my heart' after I finally got the message that we weren't meant, but I have to take this moment and tell the truth. Everything that happened was caused by my own myopia. I didn't want to see anything outside of what I wanted. I wanted that man. Period. Now this man is not a bad man. But I have to admit to myself that I derailed myself artistically trying to be and have what I thought I wanted. I could have gone with Mia Miata to a performance in Pennsylvania the night of the photo shoot, but I canceled with her at the last minute, just as the photos began. By the time the night was over, the photographer and I were taking photos together, one of which is a personal favorite. We just clicked somehow. I was a model. I was a coach. I was a guest in his house. I stayed way longer than I should have. I drank glass after glass of wine trying to impress him with my... who knows what. Some day I am going to have to go through the arduous and embarrassing process of finding any and all photos that may be online. Some of those photos were quite beautiful, and some were suggestive to the point of crass. I was proud of my sensuality, but I had no clue what it was I was doing. I grossly misrepresented who I was, and I now wonder if I was sexually trafficking myself to people who didn't even know they were buyers. I have been humbled by this memory, and the turning point I now realize it turned out to be in my life -- to God be the glory for all that He has done in changing and teaching me who *I* am. Still, I have to own the consequences of my choices. I am not ashamed of the past, but I am not about trying to act as if I don't have one. Ruslan of theBREAX has an awesome lyric that says: Learn from it Turn from it I know it's permanent I just don't wanna burn from it It makes me think of Crystal Lewis' song, "What A Fool I've Been". The woman I am now is vastly different from the woman I was then, and yet we share the same skin. We feel the same cramps, and are annoyed by the same stiff joints after a long walk. And now I am going to try and pay it forward. I don't want anyone to go down that wrong road. If I keep a young lady from hurting herself pretending to be what someone told her she was, then I don't mind being a "don't let this happen to you".   @--}--}--- I'd like to thank Ann Harding and Keke and David Buche for making this post possible, and for helping me laugh through hard lessons. Thank you for being such good Godly friends.