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"See the beautiful thing behind the pretty wall..."
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
1999 Letter to Myself
I came across this letter as I was transferring files. The things I wrote then are like a lighthouse to me now. I can't explain it better than that, so I thought I would show it, and put it out there so that in the next decade the conversation I have with myself is more in tune.
May 6. 1999 Re: Letter of Introduction To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Tiffany...
This is an introduction to the person I am, including bits of my background and upbringing. I am completely in tune with the person I am, and the person I am destined to be. This is just a general overview of the multi-faceted person that I am.
Was I? I don't remember that. I can't see her clearly at this point. But now that I think about it, I was in tune with myself. I was just not conscious of it. When I started "thinking about it", that is when I got out of tune with me...
Sometimes, I feel as a gust of wind; gently, and lovingly disrupting the stillness around me. Sometimes I blow softly with a hint of mischief, and sometimes I am an unstoppable force, afraid of my own power. How much has this changed? I am more powerful now that ever and... I have always divided my energies between writing or singing. These were the things I did to keep myself from losing my mind when I felt the world revolving in the wrong direction. I use my love of expression to survive in this confusing world. Still do!
My mother thought I was gifted, and told me that was why I thought school was boring. My boring opinion of the school curriculum was not altered as I was pushed through the system. When I wasn't running amok, I was winning awards and singing. The students thought I was weird, the teachers thought I was possessed, and I never cared. My family always said that if they could afford to, they would send me to private school. Unfortunately, they never could. Mom had two jobs most of the time, just so that my three brothers and I could have more. More? Or just enough? When I wasn't at school, church, work, or off on a function, I was writing. I stopped doing this. I wonder why (have ideas)...
When I wrote, I used to sing to myself, as the poetry became my mantras for strength and self-growth. It led me to make one of the biggest decisions in my life. 1. Did I sing to, with, or for myself? 2. I think this is germination of an Aural Acoustic. The snowball began rolling in the spring of 1996. I decided within the first week of school at Mira Costa College that whatever I was going to do with my life, it had to be centered on music and performance. I owe myself SUCH an apology! I remember thinking about what fun it would be when I would be able to write beautiful music, the music that would one day rival Beethoven and Mozart. I admire these composers, but no longer wish to write that way musically.
I am a part of the Mira Costa College Chamber Chorale, and I have performed various vocal solos. I am in the Mira Costa Commercial Arts Ensemble, where I have received standing ovations for my performances of original songs. This happens still, but I am not proud of it anymore. Not like this lady does. SHE IS ME! The money may not be as abundant as I would like, but I am going to further my education, and achieve all of my goals. I have two jobs right now, and also have a full-time class schedule, but I am not going to let the heavy workload stop me. I slipped down this slope in the past 10+ years, making money and security my drive. Yuk. Y'all can have that back. I am going to hold on to what I dream and work as hard as I can to reach my goals. I think I let go of it in 2005. But I am closing my hands around it again, and I can feel it burning my fingers and palms.
I have resigned myself to let my life be as a strong gust of wind. I will carry on into the lives of future generations, and affect the way that they live by loving them with the winds of my life.
Reading through this was such an eye opener. Where did this diva go? I mean, I LOVE the woman in my skin now, but the woman writing in teal is also in my skin, and I need to wake her up. I need to make room for her. She has a BIG voice, and can't be small about it. I am her. I am honored to be her. To be me. I am honored to be me. THANK GOD I AM ME. Sounds so different in 2010, but blessed be me. I am brave enough to let it be known then and now.